...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
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