I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Randomize
