Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I smell like Dick and happiness
Randomize
