I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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