Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Randomize
