Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Randomize
