Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
