Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
spencer pratt says his family invinted chess
that kid is like the al gore of hollywood.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
