I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
