I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
i think i just lost a toe
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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