PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
