She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
