I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
