Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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