you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize
