This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
