i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
