so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
