I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
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