dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
