She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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