I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
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