I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
