I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
