While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
