JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
