96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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