Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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