saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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