I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
The power of my boobs compel you
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
