Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
