he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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