I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
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