I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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