If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
