i just wanna soil my oats bro
Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Randomize
