I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
