I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Is it penis luge time yet?
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
