This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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