God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
