So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
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