I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Randomize