You can't motorboat a personality
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Randomize
