is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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