im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Randomize
