I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
