in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
