Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
