i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
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