The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
