If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Randomize
