Hey man sorry I got all grabby
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
