There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
