Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
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