I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
