I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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