I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
