We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
We have so much sex to catch up on
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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