Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
He? As in you personified your dick?
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
